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The Bar Tender
Daily Newspaper of the N.Z. Law Conference. Dunedin. 1996, Issue 3.
April 11 1996.
Blonde Horses and Horse Hair Wigs
by Peter Ellis
Without Prejudice:
1992 and 1993 were to be funny
years, not funny ha ha, just funny peculiar. I was to see masses of horse
hair without being anywhere near a race track, and enough blank cloth to
cover a Muslim community from head to toe, with yards to spare for the odd
funeral or two.
My first court appearance in 1992 was not unlike a funeral and same bast...
er... 'learned friend' had me dressed in a suit and tie. I coped with the suit, however ties must
have been designed by a female forerunner of the feminist movement. There I
was in court, a picture of misery telling my legs that they too were meant to
stand up Though with all this
concentrating I missed the full impact of my brush (no pun intended) with
horse hair wigs and black gowns. It was about this time, while struggling
with my tie, I remember having my first dark thought about lawyers - unless I
was having a recovered memory.
By 1993 I had mastered the art of wearing a tie, only occasionally gagging
during proceedings, and I was able to take in the full splendour of the horse
hair wigs and black gowns, the 'learned friends' were wearing. So preoccupied
did I become with the attire of the lawyers I totally lost the plot of my
trial. But surely it wasn't my job to sort fact from fiction and to debate
the finer points of law. I was lulled into a false sense of security that my
job was to stand and sit when told, and not to fidget. After all, I wasn't
even asked if f wanted to be in court in the first place, so the least I
could do was to stand and sit without fidgeting.
I spent my days in court counting the number curls on the rows of bewigged heads
in front of me and wondering if only blonde horses had to worry about losing
their hair for lawyer type wigs. I even found myself wondering if judges had
to find two matching blonde horses, as judges had more curls than anyone
else. I was amazed at the cost of horse hair wigs, which accounts for the
hefty fees lawyers charge.
Clearly I am not following the trial, not my job you understand. so I dwelled
on other wiggy type questions. The 'hired' horse hair wig led to a raft of
wiggy issues, such as: do hired wigs come in one size fits all, and if one's
lawyer hired a wig worn on the previous day by a high-flying lawyer, would
one's lawyer gain some residue inspiration, or would he just get residue such
as haircream and dandruff?
It is now 1996 and I no longer concern myself with blonde horses and horse
hair wigs, one tends not to in jail. I am now trying to understand law and
its finer points, perhaps something I should have been doing during 1993.
However quite frankly I don't think it was my job then and I don’t think it
should be my job now. Isn't that what we have lawyers for and didn't they
study law to become lawyers to see justice is done... Didn’t they???
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