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NZ Herald
March 26 2004
Defence and indefensibility: An MP courting trouble
by Jim Hopkins
The Lee Gillade Players
Proudly Present
CONTEMPT IN COURT
(A Comedy of Several Acts)
by Biff Battler
Dramatis Personae:
All details suppressed
ACT 1
(A courtroom somewhere in Outer Roa)
Usher: Oi. Bit of hush, please. All rise for his honour, the generously
superannuated Mr Justice Lostiss-Behrens.
Defence lawyer: I object.
Crown prosecutor: So do I ...
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Of course you do, boofhead. But I'll hear the
defence first. What's your problem, m'dear? Lovely evening, last night, by
the way.
(HE SMILES AFFECTIONATELY)
That horsehair wig will stay with me for ever. Ohhhh. I quite lost control of
my jurisprudence ...
Defence lawyer: Well, we are married, m'lud.
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Yes, I know. But it's always saucier in a motel,
don'tcha think? Not that I've ever been to Gisborne. Not ever. Never. Well
... maybe once. But it was a donation. I felt sorry for the gel ...
(HE TURNS)
Errrhem ... the jury will disregard those remarks.
(HE TURNS BACK)
Right. Let's get on with it. What's the hassle, Cuddles?
Defence lawyer: Well, as m'lud's undoubtedly aware, this case was set down
before Judge Fiddler ...
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Oh, dear me. Don't go there. You see, he probably
didn't either ...
Defence lawyer: What do you mean, m'learned lud?
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Well, it seems Judge Fiddler might've been doing a
little ... umm ... fiddling. But not with his violin, alas. With his travel expenses.
Silly boy. Nothing illegal, of course. Good heavens, no. Just a bit of pocket
money ...
Crown prosecutor: Quite so, m'lud. Nevertheless, I trust his ambling Honour
has felt the full firm force of judicial opprobrium ...
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Abso-bleedin'-lutely. The poor wretch has been
tucked away in a court that's never in the news ...
Defence lawyer: Ohhhh, how shocking. And they say we're soft on crime.
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Well, we won't be today, that's for sure. Call the
accused.
Usher: Call Dr
Nicksmith ...
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Dr Nicksmith, you are charged with being a
contemptuous fellow who did endeavour to do our job for us by contemptuously
bringing the court into contempt through the wilful making of several
contemptuarial utterances in a public place without proper iwi consultation.
And further that you did scathishly criticise said court for taking a mere
three and a half years to consider a custody case in which the parents were
quite properly denied the right to bring up their own child; thereby risking
forfeiture of all fees, titles, escrotal feasements and parliamentary
memberships. Before I have you flogged within a inch of your wife, how do you
plead?
Dr Nicksmith (Defiant): Not guilty, your Onion.
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Bother. Oh, very well. call your first witness, Mr
Whoppingfee.
Crown prosecutor: I call the extinguished poet laureate, Mr Hemi Te Hipkins,
aka Home Boy Hippy Hoppy. Mr Hoppy, do you swear to rap the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, so help me, Dude?
Hemi: I dude.
(PAUSE)
Do I start now?
(THE PROSECUTOR NODS)
Okay. Well, I was, like, overseas when it happened on one of my Home Boy
Hoppy hip-hop investigation tours so I didn't see what happened, but I was,
like, deeply shocked, man, about what Dr Nicksmith done. It was, like, so
uncool.
Dr Nicksmith: Excuse me, your Onion. I wish to be heard.
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Well, make it snappy.
Dr Nicksmith: As your Onion wishes. Let me begin by asking if you were the
judge who appeared on TV this week with the famous interviewer, Ms Him Kill?
(THE JUDGE NODS)
And did you say in the course of that interview that we should all "try
to know each other better" because "crime is so easy to do if you
don't know your victim".
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Heck, yeah. I sure did. Believe me, if I was hearing
a case, I would regard it as a very serious offence if it could be shown that
the victim had not made every possible effort to arrange a pre-offence
encounter with their offender - even if they didn't know who it was going to
be.
Dr Nicksmith: Thank you, your Onion. And did you also say that you admired
Peter Ellis and believed his inner strength was inspired by his innocence?
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Too right. We've got to speak our minds. We've got
to say what we think about these things, even if several appeals to m'learned
colleagues (and the Minister of Justice) have upheld the original verdict. It
doesn't matter. I reckon he's innocent and that's that.
Dr Nicksmith: As your Onion pleases. But since it pleases your Onion to makes
such provocative comments about a very controversial case, let me ask you
this. How can it be that a judge in an interview can say things that might
encourage the ill-informed and gibbering masses to feel contempt of court but
an MP can't?
UPROAR IN COURT
Justice Lostiss-Behrens: Order. I'm sure there's an answer to that, Dr
Nicksmith. I just don't quite know what it is at this precise moment in time.
Your lovely attorney and I shall withdraw to a motel to consider the matter
closely.
(HE BANGS HIS GAVEL)
The case is adjourned.
Author's Note: Certain lines used in this stirring drama are actual quotes
from an actual judge in an actual interview. It's up to you to decide who's
being contemptuous of whom.
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