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Dear Qantas, Singapore
Airlines, etcetera, writes Sarah Kilkelly in this week's Uptown Girl. To whom it may concern,
basically. I am assuming that if I
were flying somewhere on one of your plane-thingies I would be going overseas
and obviously would be spending quite a bit of time cooped up in what I like
to affectionately call a death trap. By hour two I am
generally drunk, angry as all hell and trying to justify the $10,000 fine for
sneaking a fag in the toilets. I am also usually
trying to work out whether I am actually allowed back into the country I am
flying to and am imagining a Schapelle
Corby-yet-with-fatter-bum-and-less-slutty-eyebrows scenario awaiting me
instead of the giant gin and tonic and seven cigarettes I usually have on my
way to the luggage carousel. Bearing all of this in
mind, I would like you to rethink your "man and lone child = bad"
policy and realise that just because I am a woman, that in no way guarantees the
physical or mental safety of some little brat plonked next to me who would
try to a) Talk or b) Move at least once during a long-haul flight to distant
lands. Or even a three-hour hop to Seeedneee for the rugger. If the bloody parents
are so worried about their little amoeba they shouldn't throw it at the
nearest airplane and send it off to see granny all by itself. I can hardly be trusted
to fly alone and I'm almost thir ... twenty. The squealer would
probably be safer sitting next to a scary-looking, filthy old man in a trench
coat who is reading a battered copy of American Psycho whilst making notes in
a bloodstained notebook than next to me, harmless as I may seem. Just because I have
ovaries does not mean I am nice to the kiddies. Haven't you people read
The Witches? Thanks for your time.
Love, Sarah. PS Qantas, your name is
stupid and confusing with no u after the q. Typical Australians trying to be
interesting. PPS All of Britain: If
Crazy Frog gets the Christmas No 1 I shall personally come over there and
give you all either a chinese burn or a dead leg or a horsie bite on the
knee. Baaaaaaaaaaah. |
