The Press
Thursday, June 24, 1982.
How to protect children from sexual attacks
by Felicity Price
Teaching children about sexual attacks
should be as common as teaching them road safety rules, says Mrs Miriam
Saphira. an
Mrs Saphira, who has written a booklet, “The Sexual Abuse of Children” is on a
speaking tour of
The "stranger danger" talks given in schools are not nearly adequate
to prepare children for sexual attacks, she says
She realises that it is hard for children to be
educated at school on the subject, under the current policies on sex education.
“But people ought to realise that even before children receive sex education,
they need to know about sexual abuse and what to do if it happens to
them," she says
Mrs Saphira wants the “foggy language” and euphemisms of the "stranger
danger” talks removed
"Saying 'Don't talk to strangers' and 'Don't accept sweets from strangers'
to a child is useless," she argues.
Instead, there should be straight talk, and clear-cut rules. It should be
enough, she adds, to say something like 'Don't let an adult put a hand down
your pants"
Mrs Saphira says that children especially primary school children, treat sex
and sexual subjects as very matter-of-fact. They feel no emotion or
embarrassment about it until puberty and adolescence.
“That's why it is so much easier to tell them about sexual molestation when
they are six or seven — before it ever happens to them."
Of the children molested by strangers or familiars every year, most are under
11 years of age, and the average age for it to happen is eight.
Children at primary school know the difference between an accidental touch or a furtive touch. They are pretty canny. They usually
sense when something is wrong. I think they have more sense than we give them
credit for,” Mrs Saphira says.
Although it would be ideal if some realistic instruction were given in schools
about sexual molestation, there is no reason why parents cannot talk to their
children at home about it.
"If Dad was there, playing a part in teaching his three to four-year-old
daughters (and sons) about sexual abuse, it would make it very difficult for
him later on if he wanted to try it"
"If he does try it, he's likely to be reminded by his daughter of what he
once said. Little children are very rule-conscious".
Mrs Saphira, herself a mother of five, is far from alarmist about the subject.
Research she has carried out in the last few years has shown that one in five
girls will be sexually molested before she is 16, and that 90 per cent of those
assaults will come from someone she knows and trusts, such as her father,
stepfather, foster father, uncle or friend of the family.
Mrs Saphira first became interested in the subject of molestation of children
when she started to study for her Diploma of Clinical Psychology in 1975 at
Soon afterwards, Mrs Saphira joined the Justice Department and was working at
both male and female prisons.
"I was dealing on the one hand with men who had molested and raped, and on
the other hand with women who had been molested and raped," she says.
In 1977, she started working in her spare time at a half-way house and refuge
for battered women, and again sexual molestation of children in families she
was dealing with began to rear its ugly head.
She had been working with other women on a National Organisation for Women
research project on rape, which included a questionnaire and survey through the
pages of the "Woman's Weekly" magazine. Mrs
Saphira decided to extend the survey and carried out two further surveys on her
own, again through the "Woman's Weekly," on
battered women and on the sexual 'abuse of children. She was overwhelmed with
the response.
One of the things that particularly distressed her was the number of women who
had put up with sexual molestation when they were children and had never told
anybody about it.
Mrs Saphira says it is important to tell children that those doing the
molesting have a problem. Otherwise the children themselves feel they have done
wrong and feel guilty.
"It's the men who are to blame, for heaven's sake, but it is always the
women who feel ashamed," she adds.
Only about one-third of molested children tell an adult about it, and even
those that do sometimes tell are ignored, depending on who they tell.
With younger children, it may be years before they realise anything is wrong.
Later in life, especially if the victim has not been helped, she may resort to
self-abuse and anti-social behaviour, turn to drugs,
run away from home, or attempt suicide to escape the relationship.
Some women who have been sexually molested even grow up believing their main
value to men is sex and may become involved in prostitution, Mrs Saphira says.
It is usually through these patterns in adolescence of anti-social behaviour
that the molested child is discovered for the first time.
"The full realisation of what has happened doesn't usually hit the
children until they reach puberty. It's only then they realise the full
implications".
Even if they do tell someone about it, the crisis is not over, because the
molested child has to cope with the possibility that they may be sending to
prison someone the rest of the family loves.
The child's mother will usually not tell on her husband, if he is the offender,
Mrs Saphira says.
"A misplaced sense of loyalty to the offender, a fear of losing financial
security or an inability to cope with the problem, will often prevent her, or
other members of the family, reporting the problem."
Mrs Saphira has seen many men who have been charged and tried in the courts
with incest and molesting children.
Many will return to their families, and a lot of them are likely to molest and
rape again, although not the daughter he went to prison for molesting. If there
are any other daughters, he will try it with them. Failing that, he may even go
as far as trying to molest his granddaughters.
Mrs Saphira says that studies of convicted child molesters (pedophiliacs)
have shown a wide range of men (only 3 per cent were women) whose average age
was 40.and many of them were married with children of their own.
Four types have been defined:
The paranoid incestuous father, rigid and authoritarian, who justifies his
action as a father with a rightful concern for his child.
The religious fanatic, who expresses confusion about why his
daughter is involved in so-called "evil behaviour."
The alcoholic, who does not need to be intoxicated for sexual assaults to occur.
The masculine "macho" type who is insecure of his
masculinity. Most offenders fall in this category, research has shown,
and are said to be "a product of our society's beliefs about
maleness."
Most convicted child molesters have been somewhat reticent, quiet, and
emotionally immature.
Mrs Saphira says that the double standards maintained by society about
virginity can have considerable influence on the sexually abused child's
feelings of self-worth.
Once it is known she has been molested, many people tend to look on her as
"damaged goods," though they would never admit it.
However, less than 5 per cent of girls who have been molested turned to
lesbianism, and not all lesbians have been sexually molested, she says.
The best time to raise the subject of sexual abuse is when it is topical, such
as in a television programme, news item, or in a child's question.
"Many parents hold back, believing they cannot discuss sexual abuse with
their children without making them suspicious and frightened of all
people," Mrs Saphira says.
"Yet we tell them many times about the dangers of running in front of cars
without becoming concerned they will be frightened and never want to drive a
car."
Playing "doctors" at the bottom of the garden with playmates of a
similar age will not damage a child's growth. "It is the in-built
inequality in the sexual attention of the adult that damages the child's whole
development," she says.
"A great deal of love and care will be needed to heal 'this damage. It is
the offender who chooses the child victim, but we can make his action very
difficult and at times impossible if we give our children basic survival
information. We cannot afford to be silent any longer."
Survey statistics
One out of five girls will be molested before she
turns 16. Her average age will be eight: 71 per cent will be under the age of
11; 11 per cent will be under the age of six.
Only one out of 10 of these sexual assaults will be carried out by a stranger.
The rest will be by someone the child knows and trusts.
One out of 16 girls will be molested by her father or step-father before she
turns 16.
In almost every case (97 per cent) the offender will be male.
Molesting of young children includes rape, and one-quarter of all girls
molested will be subjected to full intercourse.
Molesting of young children is not usually just one incident. It will usually
start off with fondling, then fondling underclothes, then fondling breasts and
between the legs, then finger penetration. It may be years from time of first
fondling before intercourse takes place.
Only one-third of children molested will tell an adult about it, because they
think they are to blame.
Nearly half the cases of sexual abuse will be repeated, and a quarter of the
girls molested have to put up with it for two years or more.
Most women who were molested as children experience some difficulties in their
adult life with sexual problems. Other effects are loss of confidence,
inability to trust people, feelings of worthlessness, fear of men, and
nightmares. When there was full penetration, the effects are greater.
These figures all relate to
Subsequent studies have confirmed the statistics.
The following are case histories told by
Kate's
Story
One evening, when it was just getting dark, Kate, aged 12, was walking home
after visiting a girl friend. She had to cross a football ground to her home —
a route she had taken many times before.
Kate had just entered the ground when the man from the local bottle store came
up to her and asked her if she would like some company.
She knew the man quite well by sight, and had even said hello to him once when
he had called out to her in the street, so she had no fear of him, and agreed
to walk with him.
They got about half-way across the ground, near to a clump of trees when Kate
suddenly realised, almost intuitively, that all was not well. She turned to
look at the man walking beside her and his face was quite different. He had a
very nasty look.
Before she could say anything, scream for help, or take to her heels, he had
thrown her on the ground and had his hands round her throat. It was just like a
nightmare.
After a few seconds, that seemed like an eternity, he let go of her throat and
started to fumble round her waist, trying to pull her pants down.
She began to scream; and, as suddenly as he had thrown her on the ground, the
man took off.
Kate arrived home in a mess; her hair was dishevelled, her blouse torn, and a
big bruise was starting to show on her jaw. Her mother’s reaction was
unexpected.
Instead of calling the police, Kate’s mother berated her daughter, calling her
a slut, and saying she must have asked for what she got. She “gated” her
daughter for weeks, and refused from then on to let her go out with boys.
Kate’s feelings of self-worth, especially in regard to men, were shattered for
some time
Mary’s
story
When Mary was eight or nine, she was waiting on the street, almost outside her
front gate, for some of her mother's friends to pick her up. They were a few
minutes late.
A car stopped beside the kerb and a man leaned over and opened the passenger
door near her. The next thing she knew, Mary was pulled inside, the door was
shut and locked, and the man was driving slowly down the road.
He stopped a few metres away and asked her to pull down her pants.
Mary remembers she did not feel afraid; but she did not see why he wanted her
to pull down her pants. In the end he did it for her.
He put his hands on what she had been told were her "private parts"
and then she started to feel scared. But he did not hurt her and spoke nicely
to her about how she looked much older than her age. She did not panic.
He asked her to hold on to his penis, although she had no idea what it was. She
had never seen one before and did not know they even existed. He ejaculated
into his handkerchief.
After what must have taken only a few minutes, he started up the car again,
turned it around, and drove back to the spot where she had been standing on the
footpath. He offered her lollies, and then some money
to buy an ice-cream.
Mary said "No, thank you" to both offers. She knew, from her mother
drumming it into her many times, that you were not to accept money or lollies from strangers.
She got out of the car and stood on the footpath again, feeling very
bewildered.
A few minutes later, her mother's friends, arrived to take her on a picnic, but
after she had told them what had happened, they took her straight to her mother
to whom she told the whole story again.
Her mother called the police, and the policemen listened sympathetically. But,
as far as she knew, they never caught the man even though she was able to tell
them, with some pride, the colour and make of the car he drove.
When Mary was much older, she finally realised what the distasteful episode was
all about, and it was not until then that she felt upset about it. It had all
been a big mystery, and something of an adventure, what with the police asking
her questions and everyone making a big fuss about it. When she thought about
it in her teens, though, she felt revolted
Jennifer’s
story
Ever since Jennifer can remember, her father was undressing her and touching
her, and sometimes even beating her.
Now 20, Jennifer remembers it went on until she was 14, when he had violent
intercourse with her for the first time, beating her badly in the process. He
had done the same thing to her older sister when she was about the same age.
For a number of weeks, when she was 14 her father continued to beat her up,
then rape her. Unlike her older sister, though, Jennifer protested and went to
the police.
He was imprisoned, after incest charges were laid, for nine months. Jennifer
was removed from the family home when her father returned to live with her
mother, the daughter he had molested before Jennifer, and her younger sister,
then aged three or four.
At one stage, people began to press Jennifer into returning home, trying to
persuade her that her father wasn't such a "bad guy after all," but
she refused, and ended up in an institution for disturbed children.
Soon afterwards, the four-year-old girl began to complain to her sisters that
she was being molested, but when they told their mother, nothing was done about
it.
Jennifer still bears the tangible scars of her violent father — she has had
operations on her kneecaps, which her father had smashed, and which will have
to be replaced, as they are permanently damaged.
But her mental and emotional scan will never heal. Her friends say it will take
very much tender loving care before she will even begin to get over her
childhood experiences.
Jane’s
story
When Jane was getting on for three years of age, her father started to come
into her bedroom at night and touch her in a way he had never touched her
before.
As the months passed, he did it more often, and started touching her in places
she had begun to regard as private. She didn't know why he was doing it and she
didn't know it was wrong. But he made sure she knew not to tell her mother
about it.
Years went by, and he kept at it. He began to get a bit more violent,
especially if she tried to resist, and he would hold her down with the sheets
around her throat so that she could not move.
He continued to molest her until she was 11. He touched her all over her body,
down her pants and under her clothes, and kissed her. But he never had
intercourse with her.
Jane, now in her mid-20s, thinks that was probably because she managed to talk
him out of it. Once, he came very close to it, but she thinks she was able to
keep him from penetrating her. She's not entirely sure, though — as a child of
10, she didn't really know what was going on.
Finally, when she was 11, Jane managed at last to get her father to leave her
alone.
He had been molesting some of the other small children in the neighbourhood —
little girls and little boys. But no-one would ever press charges.
"I don't know how many times he was warned by people, and even by the
police. But he was never charged, so he just went on doing it," Jane says.
"My schoolfriends wouldn't come round to our
place any more. My girlfriends didn't know what was wrong, but they didn't like
the way Dad touched them. They knew their Dads didn't do that sort of
thing."
When Jane was 11, she "started going off the rails," as she put it.
"I had been okay until then. I was a bit withdrawn, at school but I was
okay until I was in Form 2. I started realising what had been going on between
Dad and me, and I began to learn what it was all about."
.She told her mother, who said: "Don't worry
about him."
Jane thinks that her mother probably knew what was going on all those years but
would never admit it or talk about it.
Occasionally, her mother would say, "Leave the girl alone," to her
husband, when he was fussing around Jane. But most of the time she turned a
blind eye. She never said: "Stop it."
Today, she is frequently troubled by vaginal infections, which seem to be
brought on psychologically, and she also suffers from a condition where the
muscles in her vagina contract, making intercourse impossible.
Although she cannot bear him around children, Jane is no longer .afraid of her
father. She says she is able to put him in his place now.
''He used to come and visit me and my husband, and I would end up a wreck while
be was around. Finally, one day I had it out with him. I got him to admit what
he had done. And that really helped me a lot," she says
Jane's advice to anyone who thinks they might be in a family where there is an
incestuous relationship between father and daughter is to stop it as quickly as
possible.
"Try telling Mum first; if that doesn't work, get help from a school
counsellor or someone else in- authority."
Where to go for help
While there are several public and private referral agencies where molested
children and their families can go in Christchurch, only a small percentage
seek help of their own volition.
The nature of the referral service will depend on the way in which the child
and the family have come to the agency's notice.
A first point of contact could be the accident and emergency department of
The North Canterbury Hospital Board also has a Child and Family Guidance
Centre, run by Dr Karen Zelas, and there are pediatric
specialists available to help with referrals.
In addition, there are a wealth of voluntary agencies in the city, such as
Marriage Guidance, Life Line, Parent Help, Rape Crisis, and Family Planning.
Usually, the Department of Social Welfare and the Justice Department are
involved only as a last resort.
"The system is there if people will use it," one specialist
psychotherapist says. "The only trouble is that people have difficulty in
corning forward and stating their problem with something like child abuse and
molestation."
Dr Zelas agrees that there are no specific services and no special programmes
available for children and families where there have been problems of incest or
molestation.
"I don't know the extent of the problem, but even so the extent doesn't
determine the need for a special programme," she says. "I do know
though that child molestation happens much more frequently than comes to our
notice."
Dr Zelas says she is in favour of fashioning therapeutic help to meet the needs
of the child or family.
"While I’m not advocating support of incestuous behaviour, I want to say
that you can't be too zealous in your pursuit of the offender, or in
establishing that incest had, in fact, been committed," she adds.
"A vaginal examination of a very young girl, for example, can be just as
hurtful to her as the offence. It is a very sensitive subject.
"It may be less important to establish whether sexual interference did
occur than to deal with the things that are making it likely to occur. In other
words, it should not become a witch-hunt to find out if it happened.
"One of the potential problems of vigorous investigation might be the
impact of it on the child, and that impact should never be lost sight of."