The
Dominion Post
April 3, 2004
Finding strength
by Gordon Jon Thompson
The price of
getting her complaints against police taken seriously has been high, but Louise
Nicholas keeps telling herself she must go on.
The strain is taking its toll on Louise Nicholas. She seems smaller than she
should be, or was. She is also tired, has been for a while.
The month of almost daily interviews with police coupled with the pressure of
going public with her allegations of police pack rape have been gruelling.
She has lost weight, struggled to sleep and confronted a health scare she is
convinced was brought on by stress.
She is determined to put on a brave face but there are times when it slips.
"It's tough for sure but it's something I have to do."
The mother-of-three's life has been turned upside down and she is only now
accepting she is the public face of concerns surrounding the police.
Mrs Nicholas alleges she was pack-raped in 1986, when she was 18, by three
policemen. Two, Bob Schollum and Brad Shipton, have since left the force. The
third, Clint Rickards, now
The men have said the sex was consensual and have denied rape.
The Government reacted quickly to her allegations. Prime Minister Helen Clark
launched a commission of inquiry, headed by High Court judge Justice Bruce
Robertson and retired senior civil servant Dame Margaret Bazley.
Police bosses started an investigation after the allegations were first made in
The Dominion Post.
Mrs Nicholas says she thinks day and night about her case and what she has done
by going public with her allegations.
She cannot think of anything else.
"This is 24/7. That's why I'm not in the cow shed as often as I should be
because the concentration is just not there.
"That's a major if I stuff up in that cow shed, that's a lot of money for
the cockie and it's dangerous too.
"Even at home it's different. Normally everything has its place and it's
clean and tidy but Jesus I've slipped."
Then there's the pressure on her husband, Ross, and three daughters. It has not
been easy for them either. But she had to do this so she could carry on being
their mum because years of hiding it away was even worse than confronting it.
If that is not enough, she also worried about the effect her allegations are
having on the men's families.
"I think of the families of these men all the time. I've got a huge guilt
and I've got to stop it. The worry's not for those
guys, it's for the families and especially the kids, I just hope they are not
getting any shit. It's not them, it's got nothing to
do with the kids. It's about me and them."
Every time she feels like giving up, she says something happens to give her
more strength. It could be a letter from a stranger or a toot and a wave when
she's doing the shopping.
"To be honest it's that type of thing that has kept me going. There have
been times that I could have just folded up and said 'enough's enough' because
I can't take it any more but then you'll get some more cards, some more
calls."
There's another, stronger reason for her carrying on. That's the drive to
confront her past and get the justice she says she has been denied for too
long.
"For 23 years of my life I have battled demons and I think you get to the
stage where you are sick of fighting and you don't want to fight any more.
"I have been given the opportunity to put those demons of the past behind
me and so doing that I can see my future is going to be a lot brighter. I have
got the will to fight on and I'm not fighting the demons any more, I'm fighting
them."
SHE says among the hundreds of cards and letters from supporters around the
country there were two abusive letters which were unsigned. She had expected
more.
"At the end of the day people are entitled to their opinions but the
letters were pretty nasty. They have obviously got nothing better to do and
they are gutless wonders who don't put their names and contact addresses."
She says she does not take compliments very well and to be called brave is
"embarrassing".
"I don't see myself as brave I'm just me, a mum and a wife."
She initially did not want police to investigate her case and "probably
scared the living daylights out" of the officers who first visited her.
But over the following days and long interviews where police went painstakingly
over her allegations she felt her defences coming down.
"Now I realise they have to do it and I can't fault them. They have been
great."
She says her faith has slowly been rekindled in police after so many years of
distrust.
"I never even told my kids to go to the police if they were ever in
trouble. That's how bad it was for me. I'd rather they went to a stranger's
door than the police.
"Having said that, the hairs on the back of my neck still go up when I see
a cop car, so I guess that won't ever change."
There are concerns the police investigation may stymie the commission of
inquiry's work because police files cannot be released till the investigation
is over.
Last week ACT MP Stephen Franks called for the police investigation to be
halted or abandoned so not to impede the commission of inquiry.
Mrs Nicholas rejects the idea. She wants justice, not only for herself but for
other police victims.
"What people have to understand is that while bad things happened to me I
knew in my heart of hearts that it was also happening to a lot of others."
For this reason she is also keen to front up for the commission of inquiry.
"I called for this commission of inquiry so if I can be of any assistance
at all then damn right I'll be there."
After first expecting the ordeal to be over in a couple of months, she now
accepts this issue will last months. She cannot imagine any other way.
"At the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, I know I have done the
right thing."